Plark

Time and again 2.

2009-07-13T20:20:00.003+01:00

13.07.2009

Been a while since my last post (8 months and 29 days). what the hell, it's my blog. I can do what I want with it.

Where am I now.

Single at the moment. going speed dating with a mate this weekend. First time, will be interesting.

Bought an iphone. The newer one, it does get hot, but not that hot. The battery life is terrible. However, I still love the thing, warts and all.

Enrolled on a computer games design course. Interesting. Will see how that goes. It's a study from home thing. Will take between one to three years. Depending on how quickly I can study or want to study. It's flexible.

Still in the same retail job. A lot is much the same as it was, although I think I'm being shaken out of that. Which is no bad thing. Long overdue.

Just come through the funks, wasn't pleasent, but that's life. Feeling much more optimistic about stuff.

I'm still poor-ish. I am saving money though. Just poor because I live in London and it's expensive!!!

Balder, slightly heavier, decided to get rid of my facial hair (goatees and nonsense) I'm sick of that stuff. Clean shaven from here on in.

Right, think that's about it. Back to the nether world. The real world and not this written one.

Time and again.

2008-10-15T19:04:00.003+01:00

Thought I'd pop back in for five minutes. What the hell, it's my blog. Even though it's been laying by the wayside for a bit.

What's happening with me right now?

Still in the same old job.
Comedy is happening, I am performing. Although I need to start being really serious about it. Get out at least three times a week. They say you should gig at least 15 a month. So, that's my aim.
Still single, gotta sort that out. Time alone is nice, but too much isn't.

It's been raining today, but I quite enjoyed it, even though it was a bit dull.

Got an ipod touch, which I love. Great great thing, especially if you travel a fair bit and need entertaining on the go. It's ideal.

Fairly tired at the moment, but that's because of the late nights and early mornings. I like my snooze time.

Currently a little conflicted. I'm in two minds about something, which is odd, as I'm really only one person. Hmm...

Pondering, lots of pondering at the moment and lots of routine. Which is rubbish. I need something a bit different chucked into the works.

Well, that's it. I'm off again. Don't know if I'll be back again. Maybe... What does it matter really.

2006-12-05T10:33:00.000Z

When I tell people I work from 1 to 9pm they all put on the same face and I say "yeah..."

Not the best hours to do. But it's only for a short while and soon I'll be making money once more. Well, I'm making money now, it's just not in my hands right now.

I sat on the till for the first five minutes and looked at the time, there was no way I could see 8 hours passing by quickly. It stretched out and seemed like an impossibly long time. Fortunately, the first four to five hours do flyby. Although it starts to drag toward the end.

I hate the hours, I hate the work, but I love the money and I love that it'll let me be able to start doing things I want to do.
I'm really going to look into teaching again. For myself, with my own private clients. If I could get enough people for one class per week, or whatever, I'll be able to build that up slowly over time. Hopefully...

It'll sure beat the pants off any other type of work.

On another note, I'm still studying Chinese and I was pleased to discover some Chinese programmes on youtube.

I can practice reading and listening again.

Anyway, I've got an hour before I need to leave, so I'd better get going.

Ciao, 再见.

Content.

2006-11-26T23:17:00.000Z

I've been struggling with myself recently, namely because I've not been so busy. But, I am on the cusp of new things, so that, has offset it nicely. I'm not worried. I'm hopeful, I'm also going to work hard this year and next. I think it mentioned in my horoscope sometime that life would take a turn from peaceful and relaxed to busy and productive.

A welcome change for me it will be.

I've been sat on my bum taking it easy for long enough, I'm ready to sink my teeth into a few things now. I want to get going, in a big way. As ever, how things pan out, depend on time and what happens beyond what I can know and see now.

The future will be very different for me, obvious I 'spose. That's life after all.

It is so nice to have something to look forward to, also something to work hard for, to personally achieve. Whilst my life is full of such achievements, they've been all on the mental plane. Not really in the actual physical world, but in the real world, that physical space. I haven't done that for a while I feel. Although I'm usually bad at judging myself. I lack a decent perspective, but I try not to worry about that, I'll hear what I need to.

Although, this week I have to get some pictures of myself and bring proof of address to the shop where I'll be working. Then attend a training session and next week should be in full time work, hopefully, and I'll try my best to make it happen, work next year. It'll be helpful to my plans, or at least, the way I want things to go. Life tends to chose it's own route I've found out over the years. Perhaps they'll coincide this time?

Anyway, I'm feeling good about things. A warm comfortable good.

Looking forward to xmas.

Just for Pipe Tobacco.

2006-11-22T21:02:00.000Z

Hmm, I'd like to explain this the long way round, but really, it doesn't require a huge amount of explanation.

I'll be working at Marks and Spencers Pipe. Not going to say exactly where, but near home.
So I imagine working on the till (Cash register, I'm not sure what American terminology is for that), stocking shelves, and lots of different things within the store. It'll be nice. Back to the old 9 to 5. Although, I'll be working slightly later in the day.

Like I said, at least I think I did, before hand. It'll give me that much needed foot up to get on and be able to change the way I want to. Make things as I want them to be. That would be great. I'm not hoping for huge things, I'd content myself with small ones. Although I'm reminded by my Italian Student Mr Reti, if you dream small you get small, you dream big, you get big. Perhaps small will lead to big, look on the bright side. Brick by brick.

But having money for a change in my own country, opposed to earning abroad will be a Brucy bonus for me. Almost a novelty in fact. I've rarely had cash to splash whilst living at home (home as in London, although the prior is true also). It'll also help on the dating ladies front, it'll make things much much easier having a job than not.

So, just earning a wage will be enough for me really, I'll be able to afford to pursue a few of my dreams.
One of them is teaching my own students and making my own cash, not working for a school or anything like that. I'd like to stay on at M&S next year, but part time, then I could work teaching English during my time off from that. One would help support the other.

The other would be some performing, but rather something like situational comedy's devised with some friends of mine. I want to film and make my own comedy shows. Even if it's just for something to do. I know one of my mates would be interested, I just need to get things organised. Working part time would also be a plus as far as that is concerned. If I can work for myself as well as doing teaching, it should help. Teaching is flexible as I'd be calling the shots, more so than working for someone else. I can also undercut the prices of enrolment in big schools. I happen to also be in one of the best places in the world to do that, London. Only 1 in 4 of us here are English you know. So finding students wont be too hard for me.

So, this first step is a small one, but a significant one. I hope. I really want to make this happen in 2007, so at least, by 2008 I'll have laid some good solid foundations.

I believe I can do it. I hope I can do it. I also hope I haven't rambled Pipe, I've remembered this is just for you Sir. I'm kinda used to writing in general.

It's really nice to have that job, now everything else seems so much more concrete and doable.

I'm happy.

Mid-week.

2006-11-22T09:18:00.000Z

I like midweek, Wednesday, it's a "time for a cup of tea" kind of day. It's that time, where you've been working hard during the last two days and you can afford to do so, you have a sit down and enjoy a cup of tea. Even if you simply just allow your mind to wander. Take it for an amble down the path.

I think I'm at my Wednesday about now actually.

Monday was pretty hard, I had left Italy feeling rather down, I've had to go through the notions of what I wanted to do. Was I doing the moving abroad route because I wanted to? Because it was great? Or because it was there and I felt I should. Regardless of actually wanting to or not. That was pretty tough, seeing through the gloop in your own mind is one of the hardest things to do in this life. It's only when you come to terms and understand where you are and what you really want, that you can make some headway. That was my Monday.

My Tuesday was looking for work, here you can say "I know where I'm headed now" I can see where I'm supposed to be going, for myself, that is.
So I started looking and looking and looking and looking for that thing. You start to feel down on yourself. Because even though you know where you want to go, you've got to make it actually happen. It's hard, more for the fact that you truly don't know what lies around that corner, just because your mind's made up, real life has to allow it. Then just when you thought you were never going to get anywhere and you thought you were wasting your time and your mind's going "ARGH!".

Kaboom! Job (or the thing you were after) lands at your feet. You've made it happen. You've crossed that line, it's a dead certainty. Fantastic.

So now it's mid-week. It isn't the end of the week by any means, but you're most certainly allowed to put your feet up. You've done a good job through Monday and Tuesday, it's been a hard start to the week, but after the weekend, that's always true. So this is really about the time to put your feet up have ten minutes to yourself for yourself.

Something I'm going to do today.

But Thursday's going to come, and Thursday is where you really start back on your feet again. Really it should have been Monday that that happened, but this is life and we're not always that fortunate.
So Thursday is about getting on and learning the stuff you need to do, making something of your recent achievement. It's not going to be smooth flowing, it'll get a little rough. But you are established now, nothing's going to fall out from under your feet, unless you're extremely careless. But that's very rare that that actually happens, especially after you've been through all the grind of Monday and Tuesday. You've had your short rest on Wednesday, so you're relaxed and prepared.

After all of this, it's nearly the end of the week, Friday. Which for some I know is the point where you're really tired, worn out and spent. You need a break.
Although, for me now, Friday's the day to really make things happen. It's when you organise stuff for the weekend. The things that you want to do, not what you have to do. You've gone through Thursday and made the best of it, which has allowed you to take Friday by the balls. Thus giving you your power to make the most of your weekend, the time for fun and games. what you really want to do, what you most desire. Within real expectations of course. So Friday, you organise and check out all those options open to you now, having finished with the other four days prior.

The weekend. Well, I don't think I need to write about that, that's fairly obvious. It's party time. You're enabled, you've achieved, you've done the work. Now you can play and play well. All those dreams you have had through the week may come true.

Where am I in all of this, I'm still in Wednesday and Thursday is about to begin, but once that's over, about December the 21st I reckon, my Friday will start. Leading me into a good new year. Where hopefully, the weekend will start soon. There are always those days which just seem to take for ever to pass by. But I really wont mind saying that, Friday's a good day. The last one of the working week, the weekend's merely hours away. Where all your dreams may come true...

I'm in a good place at the moment, so I'm having five minutes to myself. Then I'll be getting back to the grind to make my dreams come true.

Ahh... life.

2006-11-21T21:08:00.000Z

Did I mention recently that I found and have myself a job?

No?

I nearly messed it up for myself as well at the interview. I was supposed to have looked at several cards for this role play situation. I thought they were going to be given to me. Nope. I waited for them to be put into my hands, it wasn't happening.

I waited a long while and one of my interviewers came in and said looking over my left shoulder "Have you looked at your cards yet?" I followed her eyes and nearly lept from my chair. They were plastered all over the back of the room and when I'd come in and sat down, I'd completely managed to miss them, Even though they were pretty much right in my face.
My heart sank and I thought I'd blown it for myself, but as they say, every cloud has a silver lining and mine did that day.

I am now employed again. Yay!

But I've got a few days before training and work starts so I have a while to adjust to getting back into full time work. Which will be a little hard as I'd gotten used to working 25 hours a week as an English teacher.

Anyway, I hope, next year to combine both this current work and my English teaching on a fifty fifty basis. But we'll see. I might have to put in some hard work for that to happen.

We'll see.

Well.

2006-11-15T21:13:00.000Z

More hassle for me today. It comes from one instigator, who shall remain nameless.

But it made me quite unhappy today, I really want to leave this house and forge ahead on my own now. I think I've had long enough here. Time to move on.

Which will only happen as long as I get a job soon and can find my own place a while after. Realistically the soonest I'll be able to move will be next year sometime. Hopefully, I'll have work and all that then, so I can keep myself as is.

I'd like it now, to have my own space. It wouldn't be perfect I imagine, this city of mine is rather expensive. So we'll see. Although all of that, until it happens is conjecture. I cannot afford to rest on me laurels or whatever.

Anyway, I'm feeling beat down and washed up right now. So I'm off to eat some chocolate biscuits. If I can find them... somebody's 'alf inched 'em.

Sunrise, sunset.

2006-11-15T09:04:00.000Z

From my mates garden first thing in the morning.

Whilst we were stuck in the car park after his car decided not to start again.

Sunset from my mates garden.

2006-11-15T09:01:00.000Z

Cork

2006-11-15T08:48:00.000Z

I nearly forgot to post them...

Horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

2006-11-13T23:07:00.000Z

I went round a museum the other day. It was full of items from my childhood. This, I hope, is more because the world is changing so fast than because I am so old... but it was a salutary experience. I had to ask: have I got attitudes and opinions which now belong in a museum too? Does my psychological software need updating? Have I got habit patterns that ought to alter? And then I thought of you - and your fellow Virgos. Mercury's final few days of retrograde motion signal a big chance to move on.

Which is something I really really really want to do. Badly.
I've reached that point where I'm very uncomfortable with my current circumstances. I really felt it this evening. It's ever such a stifling feeling being me at the moment.

This is something I've got to do and it probably wont all be smooth sailing either. But I want to do it, what I've got in mind.

sigh.

It's time for bed, I've been having far too many late nights lately. Got to get some shut eye and get my body back on regular clock hours.

Night.

Another day rolled by...

2006-11-13T17:06:00.000Z

Why I'm feeling my strongest compulsion to move on and get things done with my life.
Most of my time recently has just meant me sitting on my jacks doing flip all.

I've really had enough of it.

I want to get a lot more out of my life here in London town.

Teaching work isn't going to be easy to find here in London, so I'll probably focus on something a little different. I'm looking into jobs that I have done before and haven't thought of.

I sat down on the couch to watch tv on Sunday and had a look about. It was just me, myself and the tv. I did not like that one little bit.
Having had a serious good bash at living the good life beyond Britain's borders, I really want to find something more for myself here. I have the friends, I have a fairly decent social life, but without work I feel lost in the breeze. Something will come along I know. When, where, how, why, will all be questions answered soon I hope.

I'm really happy enough in many ways, but there are crucial things missing from my life now that I've had when I went away. I very much want to find that here at home.

Well, as for goals and stuff, my writing a book is still underway, and I'm trying hard not to shoot myself down before I've even gotten half way. We can be our own worst enemies at times. So putting that part of myself securely locked away is the only chance of getting stuff down. Without tearing it up and throwing it away.
Which is the nice thing about writing, what you write, as long as you save, will always be there. So it can be revisited time and time again. Great!

Anyway, I want to do something else now...

Eric Cartman is Buck Rogers.

2006-11-11T11:20:00.000Z

I'm pleased I'm so easy to please.

Glee!

Back.

2006-11-10T18:24:00.000Z

I'm back now.

Although within seconds of getting in I had a huge amount of agro dumped squarely upon my shoulders that's left me in a bad mood since yesterday. Mostly, in any case.

But, I was cheered up this afternoon after watching the new Borat movie. Funny, yes. Disturbing, oh yes. Disgusting, yeah. Made fun of a few Americans, yep. Did I like it, oh yeeeeeees.

I LIKE. I EXCITE.

I've also watched the two parter of SouthPark, where Eric freezes himself and is revived 500 years in the future. Very clever. Very funny. I love and worship the creators of that show. May they reign long and prosper.

But now, I'm gonna pop down the road and get myself some food. I need to eat.

While I'm waiting for the bathroom.

2006-11-01T07:57:00.000Z

Because it gets busy on a weekday, fortunately I'm in no rush.

I'm all packed, mostly. Ryan air also took the time to email me the hand luggage can and can not bring list. I'll have to buy toothpaste and stuff on the other side, as it's not allowed for carry on luggage. Nuts.

Also, they got round to sending me the can and can not bring list of checked baggage. This morning. Which, if I'd had any, would have proven to be a mild headache. I can imagine someone needed to leave early today and has arrived for their flight, with some of the banned items not knowing.

Anyway, it's nothing. It's going to be good to see my large Irish mate. Not since I waved him off at Busto Arsizio.

He told me that the x-box is all warmed up and I'm looking forward to a few intense x-boxy matches with the big lad.

Right, bathroom's free and I need to shave my head and beard before I go.

See you in a few days.

Off to Eire.

2006-10-31T11:25:00.000Z

Going tomorrow at any rate. For a week to see my friend, which will be nice as I haven't seen the old chap for an age.

Also, my writing self will be drawn away from here for a while. I want to have a bash at something else, a little more creative.
While I'm writing away, I shall be pondering over this blog. I think, that sometime soon, it will be good to call it a day here, as I mentioned before. I'll also try to distance myself from all the writing here, because I don't want to be re-found by googling minded people.

I've not lost interest for writing, but for various reasons it's getting time to move on and pursue other avenues for my keyboard tapping fingers. Being here for the last three years has taught me a thing or two about writing. It's also given me the ability to sit down and write, a lot. Which has been most helpful to me.
I've liked maintaining my day to day life on written page. But I really want to do it more privately and as pretty much everyone I know knows of this place, I want to go somewhere more discreet and never mention a word of it to anyone. So it can all be truly mine and mine alone.

Well, anyway, I've got to sort things out for my flight tomorrow. Organize clothes and stuff. Oh! I also have to buy my mate a London souvenir. The best I can think of is a double decker bus and or taxi cab. Obviously the small toy version, not the large real ones. 'Cause that's plain silly!

Ciao people. oh, I will have my camera with me, so I'll try getting some pictures there to post here on my return. Not sure if I'll be able to use the internet while I'm away.

So, toodles, again.

Yay!

2006-10-22T20:25:00.000+01:00

I made a discovery. Internet tv.

Guess what stations I've found that I've ben dying to watch?

All the ones I watched whilst in Italia.

www.wwitv.com The list of all tv stations from all countrys of the world.

http://www.allmusic.tv/streaming.asp?ref=hppal
http://www.flux.tv/it/tv/
These last two are two of the ones I watched in Italy. God, it's so nice to be able to watch them again in the evenings.

Glee! I'd have never found them if I hadn't sprained my ankle.
Although I worry I might be turning into some kind of house dwelling person.

Ankle.

2006-10-21T16:42:00.000+01:00

What my ankle looks like today. Ohhh....

All day indoors.

2006-10-20T09:53:00.000+01:00

They're upside down, but have a look and have a guess as to the sprained ankle.
As I'm in all day, I may as well make the most of my siuation and enjoy having to stay in. So, for today, study Chinese, watch dvds, erm... play computer games; specifcaly the old cpc 464 amstrad games I played as a wee nipper. You remember those?

You can download an emulator that lets you play them. Fab! 1980's computer gaming heaven!

Ow...

2006-10-20T08:04:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I sprained my ankle after coming off the last step down the stairs where I do my impro stuff.
I was holding a cup and my left foot just gave in under me and my foot went "crack!" and I was in a wee bit of pain. Thankfully nothing broke, as far as I can tell.

The downside of this is, I know how long this'll take to get better as I've done it before.

6 months.

Hey ho. It's also a nasty day today. Rain, lots of rain and gloomy skys.

Blurgh!

I'm meant to visit my nan today, but I think I'm gonna have to reschedule that one for another day. I need to rest my foot.

Sigh, which means staying in, which I don't want to do. I like being able to go for a walk. Ah well, when life hands you lemons, make beef stew.

Ciao.

While I'm up...

2006-10-18T22:50:00.000+01:00

I've sat on my b'hind today, not all day, but a lot of it.

I'm thinking thinking thinking, a lot at the moment. In fact most of today I've been consumed in my thoughts. In my head I'm in a better place to move on from where I am and I really really want to move on. I've had enough of this fug that I'm stuck in.

I hate things as they are now. It's not a question if things will change, it's how I Will make them change. Or will I just sit here and fart about as usual. I look at the things I've done and I don't see them to measure up to anything great at this time.
I hate it.

If I did more with my day I'd probably be a little bit better off.

Thankfully, tomorrow I'm doing some impro performing. This helps to keep me sane. I'm looking forward to it.

I keep saying I want more out of life, but looking around I cannot see all that many choices. I think it's going to be a case of biting the bullet to eventually getting round to something nice in my life. There are loads of things I'm thankful for and many wonderful people. But I'm drifting around. No purpose that I can see.

Which is the worst thing. It'd help if I had a lady in my life, but that's non existent.

I suppose at the end of all this, I just have to endure me, whoever I am.

The older I get now, the more I realise I do not know myself. I really don't.
I appreciate my progression in years, it's beneficial for me. I'm maturing a lot now, I feel its weight.

I want to scream and rant, but that ain't really gonna help.

Goto bed I think and I'll probably feel better by morning. Let my dreaming mind take care of this one for tonight.

Night.

Looks around scratches head.

2006-10-17T20:25:00.000+01:00

I really wish I could add something up here other than what I've got to write, but the old reality is biting down hard.

I'm really feeling stuck as to what to do with myself and how to progress from where I am now. I see options, but in order for any of them to work I've really got a lot of hard work on my hands. I'm also kind of stopping myself before I've even begun because I feel that i'm getting too old to start a new endevour.

Which I suppose is crazy talk, as I'm only late 20's.

I've been doing some running around for my older brother. He's doing a workshop in London next year, so I've been asking bookshops if they will display posters advertising the event.

Which is a lot of fun!

Yesterday they were all yes's, today they were all no's. A little bit of one step forward two back. I'll try a few more places over the rest of the week.
I care a bit more because it's for my brother. Bless...

My one thing at the moment I'm looking forward to is Borats new movie.

I cannot wait. Thank heavns for Sacha Baron Cohen.

2 decisions.

2006-10-14T22:58:00.000+01:00

That's what I've done today, other than buy a few odds and sods, I haven't done much else.

I've decided to stop doing something I've been doing for an age. A decade or so. Nothing extravagant or interesting to be honest. But I feel I've been relying on something far too much and I'm gonna pack it in. Not an addiction to anything, it might sound like that having just reread it.

My mind focused on one thing too much and it has stopped me from moving forwards I think. It's been a help, but that's the end of that.

I also think it's time to start a new chapter in my life. I think it's time to move onto something else now. When the time is right, I think I'm going to pack up my stuff here at plark and move on to something else. There are things like youtube and stuff I wouldn't mind giving a try.

However, quit writing I will not, it's woven into my life now too intimately.

But I need a change, I need to make that happen and part of that, a psychological part, is those two decisions I've made.

Leaving them both behind, because they're a part of the old me. I need a new me.

So, in time, I don't know when, I'll see how I feel. I'll end up this blog and move to a new home.

I wont be leaving any pointers to it from here however.

So, there you are. I don't think my new move out will be the easiest, but I feel it's something I have to do now.

Till later.

Saturday.

2006-10-14T08:35:00.000+01:00

Is that light at the end of the tunnel? Well, it is definitely light. Perhaps we had better check where it is coming from. It could be light from a window that is too high to climb out of. It could be light from a fire burning dangerously ahead. Perhaps it is the glint in the eye of some ugly tunnel-beast waiting to pounce on you as you proceed. These are all possibilities, but I would not worry too much about them if I were you. Keep going forward. Soon, you will emerge into sunshine and there will be no more debate.

Thank you Jonathan Cainer. "Don't live your life by horoscope." My friend said to me the other day, well, I haven't yet, nor do I need to take such advice unless danger becomes of it. How can I know in an case, life is life, regardless of aspected view point.

I like reading books, some books in fact, I hardly ever get round to reading that many books at all. Maybe just one or two in a while.
I like Harry Potter, after wondering what two years of hype was all about I finally bought one and never looked back.

I bought K-PAX by Gene Brewer after watching the movie. I love it, one of the most intelligent series of books I've ever read. I finished the lot in about 5 days and that was forcing myself to take a break from it every now and then. Buy it for another point of view.

Now I'm reading a book by Daniel Quinn, which isn't in print in the u.k. anymore. It had to be ordered from America. The guy I asked who worked in Borders in Edingburgh mentioned that quite a few people had been looking for it recently.

You might have seen the movie suggested by this book, 'Instinct' with Cuba Gooding Jr and Anthony Hopkins. I make a point of buying books from movies with a nice point now.

The book is far removed from the film in many ways. When he man at the shop I ordered it from gave me the info on it, my eyebrow raised. Hmm, didn't sound all that fabby, but give it a try I shall, I thought.
It was worth it, an inteligent book, another with a decent lesson behind it. I'm up to chapter 5 I think, I'll have probably finished it by Monday.

Worth a read. oh, I didn't mention what it was called did I. Ishmael.

A psychic gorilla, never a better teacher to learn from I'd say. It's given me food for thought and I am thanful for that. I like being shown new avenues.

Anyway, enough ramble from me, but I assume that's why you've come, for my ramble. Hmm...

Hopefully that horoscope holds some merrit, but as usual, when you pray, move your feet. I will need to move mine. Ciao.

In my head.

2006-10-13T17:57:00.000+01:00

Kerbang wizz woo!

That's pretty much how I imagine my neurons to be firing right about now. Little bits of information and feedback zapping all over the place.

Some of them contain comands, others feedback, others background information. The brain organises an decides what should go where and hich is important.

Kind of like me, or the part of me outside my brain that is.

I've got things and stuff whizzing about the place and I need to decide what should go where and which of these things is important. I know I have a direction I want to follow. I just have to do some stuff.
Although, how to proceed in some parts, is a little difficult. I'm not too sure.

I've already taken one very very small baby step.

But I will do more.

Also, before I go.

This makes me happy. Still the best intro to a t.v. show ever! Mmm... Erin Gray.

1987 indeed. Just like Space 1999. Tee hehehee...

Horoscope.

2006-10-12T08:14:00.000+01:00

You don't need much yeast to turn flat bread into a fluffy loaf. You don't need much spice to turn a stew into an exotic dish. A little goes a long way. That's worth remembering today. Do you need to be consistently brilliant in order to achieve something exceptional? No. You just need to try a little bit harder and to reach for ideas that are just a fraction cleverer. Don't feel intimidated. Don't imagine that some superhuman effort is required, just stay on your toes and have faith.

Jonathan Cainer has been saying stuff like this since the weekend. Oh, and thank you Deb, it's nice to get another viewpoint.

In my head I build up quite formidable foes, then I spot my own weaknesses and pick myself apart, I'm often paralysed by myself long before any real trouble. Such it is being me. Even if there probably isn't even any trouble.

Woopty doo.

I don't know if I should be hard on myself or go easy on myself.
One part of me says go easy, because usually you are hard on yourself anyway, regardless of time or circumstance. The other says be hard on myself because there are times when I probably don't do enough.

Anyway, I'm seeing a friend today, one I've not seen much of at all in the last couple of years, maybe I'll get the chance to chat with him. I respect his point of view, as it's very different from mine.

Sometimes the best points of view to take.

Mid week, nearly.

2006-10-10T21:00:00.000+01:00

I'm not feeling at all positive recently. Days are long and I wonder what to do with myself. Both in my free time and for work.

I'm looking for jobs here in the uk, but everything requires that I have a degree. Which I do not have. So regardless of how experienced I am, people who are better qualified, regardless of apparent competences will get in.

I'm just moaning though.

At this moment in time I can not see any chance to improvement in my circumstances.

I feel trapped into my profesion. I don't think I'll be able to last forever as I am and will have to look for work abroad. I do not want to move far from home. I don't want to leave the country. But I feel like that's all I've got.

There are some other things I'd like to try, but I don't even know where to begin!
even if I started now, it may take some time before I get anywhere at all. I'm old enough now. I kind of wish I could turn back the clock and do something else.
The last couple of years have been great experience, but where does it go? What does it lead to? More of the same stuff I've concluded. Which, right now, as I just said, I don't want.

I feel I have about zero options to go after.

Bleh!

I feel some form of rude awakening coming on.

Although, a reasonably big although. I've been reflecting what I have done with my life. And I've done some pretty darned amazing things in my time here on planet Earth. I've been through some hard times and survived, I've done a lot of good in this world. I've made some terrible mistakes, but I've learned and improved myself as much as anyone could be expected too.

I've not done bad when I objectify my life realisticly.

But now, I sit right here, at my laptop, typing typey typey, and where do I go from here? What meaningful, worthwhile thing can I do?

A mate of mine is asking the same questions as me. I'll probably reach the same conclusion that he said he'd come to. That teaching isn't so bad and you do get to do some interesting things.
Give it enough time here, with no change and will I begin to feel different about my decision to stay in London.

Probably...

Lets see where this goes now. My little winding path...

I look outside, dull day.

2006-10-09T09:06:00.000+01:00

Hmm, the older I gt the less I like dull days. I like/love sunshine. I need it. A good spell of warm sunny weather is fantastic. It makes me feel much much better.

But winter is coming, the days grow shorter and all that jazz. Please let it be as sunny as possible.

I'll be off to Cork in a week or so to see my big Irish mate. I'm dreading that weekend that I'll be there. I'm 99% certain he will want to go out and get completely sozzled. Which means an all nighter doing god knows what.

I'll say that again, god knows what.

China, it was good, I could deal with it, here, closer to home it can be a bit much. Especially when you are unable to get your own space.

But, I'm taking the most negative approval of the situation, although he did mention he hadn't had a drink in 7 weeks. So, he could be planning to then and there. Although it mght just be a lght social drink. Might be...

Ah well, che sucede sucede. My wee little body will just get roped along for a ride in a much larger mans wake.

Choice being out of the game.

However, once the weekend is down and done, he'll be at work and things should, should just involve a bit of food and x-box, maybe a tour of Cork.

Please big g man, let this one go as easy as possible for me.

Perlease...

Sleepy.

2006-10-08T22:29:00.000+01:00

I've come to the conclsion that beer, chocalte and cheeze shouldn't be eaten within the same 6 hour time frame. Or right after one another. Age could be a factor as well.

I don't feel perky. So I'm going to go to bed a wee bit early and see how I feel in the morning.

Hopefully better. My head feels swishy and odd. That could also be because I've not been sleping all that much recently.

Anyway. Back to my life beyond the net.

Saturday.

2006-10-07T23:38:00.000+01:00

The only person in this life I have ever truly fought against is myself. The only difficulty I've ever really had to overcome in my life is me.

I don't like my negative thoughts. I tear myself down long before I've given something a bash. I'll find a thousand reasons why this is bad why that is wrong.

I've been scrutinizing myself closely recently and I've made a couple of discoveries about myself. I can be quite mechanical about things and my approach toward them. I look at things blankly, almost like a robot.

I also wondered why it is I treat people a certain way when I'm with them. I have this defence mechanism up. I wonder why that is?

Funny how we can't know ourselves completely.

Life, me and stuff. I'd really like to find some progressive way forward. Especially in terms of me and not tripping myself up, for whatever reason.
But I need to have a look at myself more closely. I want to unpeal a few more layers.

Life. I dunno.

我晚上在写下汉字.

2006-10-06T21:17:00.000+01:00

我今天没有工作，我练习说话汉语。但是我的口音不太好了。
我看电影 ('serenity') 安宁。我喜欢。

汉字很难.

有头疼。

Tired.

2006-10-06T09:52:00.000+01:00

Slept little last night, because I was out in central London last night and then realised I had a long walk home. I didn't have any cash to spare for the night bus.

Bum.

But it was a nice night. Not what I can say for this morning however. The weather's rubbish. Although they say on the radio it'll be nicer later.

Also, whilst I'm looking at the ticket, I saw 'Children of Men' yesterday afternoon.

Two words to sum it up about a film where children are no longer being born.

Absolute brilliance.

I love this film. The first 15 Min's I was a bit bored, but then it all kicked off. What an enthralling pull you in struggle for survival it was. Loved it. I'm going to buy the DVD when it's out, I'll also get the soundtrack, it's tops.

Right now however, because I'm off the moving abroad again. I need to think of what to do with myself. I'm entertaining a few options as ever. Getting a little bit down and annoyed with myself actually. Wish the sun would come out, this weather isn't helping my mood either. I love the sun.

Right. I'm off. Ciao.

Thursday.

2006-10-05T07:55:00.000+01:00

Thank you Pipe.
You sound in good spirits Sir. I do hope so.

Well, today I've got a couple of things to do today, both fun! Can't complain. It may rain today though, so I may get wet.

I will be watching 'Children of men today' and then I'm off during the afternoon for a spot of impro performing in town. Looking forward to it. Asside from that, I'm doing nothing else.

I need to check that my cash from the ol' jsa has gone into my account. Because it wasn't in there yesterday. Hmm... I'm keeping my eyes and ears open for jobs around town.

Last thing, I'm trying to start learning Chinese again, as my new laptop displays Chinese characters it makes it easier to study. It suits my style of learning. I also use my scratch pad from google gadgets to write stuff down on. I'll probably never be fluent, but I might be able to have a good read and a wee chit chat. Although I'm still good at geting a cheaper price on things when I buy stuff off them.

Right. Ciao...

Monday morn...

2006-10-02T10:17:00.000+01:00

It is so nice to be home. I really feel much better about myself. I like being home.

I like having my friends five minutes away, I like being able to call them and arrange to meet up and have a drink. I understand everything that I need to. I don't need to learn a bunch of new things.

Sure, I'm not that rich at the moment, but I have enough for what I need to do.

So I'm feeling relaxed now. Really relaxed.

I like being older. It's been important to go through those hard times.

Anyway... I have to sign on today, I also want to buy myself a usb optical mouse for my nice new computer. I'm starting to get my head round it now as well. With it's built in camera and mic (that I have to scream into to get it to hear me... there might be a way to adjust that though).

Anyhow, I'm off for a potter and a shower. Have a bit of a tidy up in here, then be off.

Ciao regazzi.

Evening falls.

2006-09-30T21:10:00.000+01:00

I actually feel better now, I don't have to be getting used to some out of the way place in the middle of god knows where. True, I don't know the place, but I do know what it is like to be 'out and about'. I've done it twice before and I want to be home now.

Sometimes you've just got to go with your gut instinct.

I do want to be with all that is familiar. I still think I need down time, to digest all this.
Although I'm happy to say that next week I'll be seeing some friends. Which is excellent!

Anyway, back to taking life one day at a time. I think I'll try to do that with a little joy in the heart as well. Positivity.

How do I feel now?

2006-09-30T08:09:00.000+01:00

Well, after reading that amazingly accurate horscope last night and my own personel worries...

I'm not going to go. Decision has been reached.

But, now I will have to take care of a few other things. Which means letting the people know in Lithuania that I wont be going now. For whatever reason. I reackon that they get that a lot actually and they probably aren't going to be too happy about it.

Ah well.

Which means I have to tell the folks, who will ask why, so I'll give them thr blurb. Fortunatly, they'll be pleased. As they always told me and my brothers. "You can do whatever you want to do."

I like that, always have.

Anway, that all asside, now that I'm not going, it begs the question,

What am I going to do now then?

And it is a really good question.

Hmm, again.

2006-09-30T00:25:00.000+01:00

It's one of those heavy big nights. I need to write.

You know when there is something you need to do, something for a job or whatever. But, for what ever reason, you don't want to do it. It's like your subconscious is telling you something. Something that your active mind is trying to sweep under the rug and pay no attention to. A kind of subliminal sign post.

That's how I've been. I know, if I go, I'll do the work. I'll explore a bit. But I wont fit in. It isn't where my heart is. It's not.

I think, sometimes the hardest choices to make, are to stick with what we've got.

I'm getting older you know.

It's not as it was before. I felt excitied by China. "Wow!" I thought, CHINA... I was genuinely excited. But now, I'm not. It's more, urgh... eee... umm...

I do not have the same feeling as I did then. I said it myself There is no point in travelling miles away from home for a year, if you are not going to enjoy yourself. It has to be fun and there has to be friends and family. I had friends in China. I had great times. Italy was good, I was with my Irish mate. This place, with a few teachers, I found myself whincing when I looked at the schools website with their pictures on it. I didn't like the look of them. I was hoping that something great would be. But it's only hope, I don't know anything about the place at all. Nothing.
At home, I know loads of things, people, places. It's great.

I need a good old thinky.

Hmm...

2006-09-30T00:02:00.000+01:00

Yeah, I'm thinking now. That horoscope (below ths post) has made me pause for thought.

If you've been following this blog recently, you'll know I've not been all that happy
I've ben looking at how green that grass is over there on the other side of the fence.

Ive paid for my ticket, it's done, I have the job. But every single time I look ahead, I find myself looking back. I'm longing for other things. I am.

I'm not sure I want to leave now.

In fact, I feel certain now, that all my doubts and woes are because I feel I've got to go away. If I leave, I leave my friends, I leave family, I leave what I know behind. It wouldn't be so bad if I had someobe to come with me. Someone close, but there isn't.
All those closest to me now are here in London.

I might travel several hundred miles again, to go and teach again, to find I have less than I do now. Is it really worth the gamble?

Once, a couple of years ago, a bald guy wanted t get out and about. He had some fantastic times. He had some terrible times. He saw and did things he had never done before. These have changed him, in a big way. Now though, after the last stint in Italy, I know it can be tough out there. Lonely, depressing, dull. I don't want it, it's been there the whole time I've been going through this process of looking for work abroad. I'm doing it as a kind of accepting the norm.

My friend said it to me the other night "You need to push yourself beyond your bounds every now and then"

I don't think I'd be doing that if I went to Lithuania, I'd be accepting a kind of make do with the... I dunno how to write it down. It's not an achievment, it's no accomplishment. I'm just doing what my head tells me, not what my heart and soul desire.

Do you know what I mean? My words fall short.

I do not want to go to Lithuania. Home is where the heart is. My heart is here. If I commit to this job, I'l be teaching English again. I only do it because it's easy, not because it challenges me. Living abroad is great. But, I don't think I'm up for the work out there, away from home and the people I know.

I want to stay here. I want to try other things out. I think I can squeze myself to do more.

I've always liked Jonathan Cainers horoscopes. Occasionally they don't quite fit. But more often than not, they are spot on. Spot on.

Just like that one below. Read it, you'll see, if you've been following this blog.

When I give myself that freedom to stay here, I suddenly feel scare, should I be doing it? Am I making a mistake by not going?

No, be brave is all I can say to myself.

I've got a night to sleep on it. Ao that's what I'm going to do.

A choice. Travel and risk going rond in circles. Or stay, and enjoy what I have here.

I'll get back to you later. Although it is nice to be home with friends and family. There really is no better thing I can think of now.

Ooh...

2006-09-29T23:56:00.000+01:00

This is a freaky horoscope.

We are forever feeling as if we must pursue change in one form or another - often just for the sake of change itself. Not much change will automatically come to you this weekend, although you will have plenty of chance to create it. Before you take your opportunity, stop and ask yourself if you really want it? The status quo may not be perfect but perhaps it has more to offer than you realise. If you do decide to travel, you may just find that you end up travelling round in a big circle.

Hmm... and that's a BIG hmm...

2006-09-29T19:45:00.000+01:00

The old one, yes it is supported by a broken down cadboard box. The hinge gave out.

The new one, which now has all my stuf on it. I LOVE IT! Mmm...

YES!

2006-09-29T12:01:00.000+01:00

I have it, it's in my hands. It's beautiful, it's gorgeous, it's sexy. I love it!!!

My beautiful acer laptop. Mmm....

Pictures will follow...

2 good things.

2006-09-28T14:00:00.000+01:00

Excellent, much better.

Firstly, yesterday I met my chat a lot friend, I was expecting much the same as ever from her. She waffles on and on about her stuff and I sit and listen. I know a paint a bit of bleak picture, but this is only the negative part of our meetings. The rest is much better.
Anyway, yesterday, she asked me how old I was now, and then without much intro she started talking about the very things which have been plaguing my thoughts of late. She put them into perspective for me. She gave me that view which I didn't have yet. Seems to be that at about my age, these changes and thoughts are common place and normal.

I really needed it and for her to offer something of use to me is rare. So I was happy last night.

I got that much needed assistance I wanted.

Second good news, the computer (don't think I mentioned it before) that I'm getting for my birthdays past has arrived. The only trouble being is that I was out, so it's at the depot awaiting collection, which isn't a problem. So, I'll have it by tomorrow. A brand new laptop. BRAND NEW!!!

So this is all much better than it was and I'm grateful, very grateful. Good fortune is best appreciated indeed.

So, I'm sooooooo much happier now. Still nervous about leaving on saturday, but that's normal.
I've got a couple of nagging things to sort out, but that should all be done by tomorrow all going well.

Phew! It looks like I'll pull all this off before I leave on midday Saturday.

Ciao.

Thoughts and things.

2006-09-27T16:59:00.000+01:00

I keep looking over that fence and seeing how much greener that grass is. Then I look at my half of the fence, where I stand about now and it's dull dull dull, sadly lacking and left wanting is how I feel.

Although when life isn't all roses, it's easy to look at things and see better else where.

My maths teacher once said to me, whilst watching my struggle to open a cabinet, "The blockage is in the mind." He was right, I changed tack and popped it open with no trouble. I also wish I had someone to share my thoughts with. It might shed a little light on things in a way that I've not considered.

But I have me, my head and my weblog. Ooh, I can feel the vast wonderus problem crunching potential of some html!

Travel is interesting, but it's a right old challenge. You've got to love it. Really love it. I think another aspect would be a liking for ones own company and I've enjoyed that a lot recently. Probably too much.

Whatever comes from now on in my life is going to be a result of what happens here and now. All the things I think and feel and experience.

I hope I can get a handle on all this, I hope I can make it all better, or at least, better for me. So I don't look about wanting more. I'd like to feel happy with what's sat in my lap.

But my eyes race around looking at a thousand shiny gems that I want to have. But I don't want to waist my energys running around like a headless chicken and gain nothing. I need to be concerted in myself, one goal, one direction. I can't shatter myself into bits and go in a thousand directions.

I'm a crazy mad guy. Just like a billion other people I'm sure.

I've gotta see my talk a lot friend today, I really don't want to. But, I must get it out of the way.

Focus... goals... I'm still young, I've still got lots of time to do the things I want... I can succeed in what I want. I can find one purpose. I can have succees.

D'you like that little pep talk? Wish I could believe in it myself.

Bleh! Begone clouds of doom!!!

Hmm...

2006-09-27T13:14:00.000+01:00

My wayword heart and head, they do go all over the place.

This week is proving to be a headache as it goes. So many things to do and sort out. For everything I finnish and wrap up, another one pops up. It's annoying to say the least.

But, I'll get it all done before I leave.

My heart desires so many things, I find myself torn in a dozen directions, wanting a load of things. I wish I could just settle for one.

I'm really not organised enough sometimes, this is something I would like to change about me.
But, I feel that the animal I am, will remain so. All those positives and negatives of me.

I think it's just a case of enduring these things really. Life will be what it is.

I'm no closer to figuring it all out than I ever have been or ever will be.

I would love a simpler life. Free without all the hubub. But that isn't going to happen today. Anyway, I need to go out and get some food and have a walk. I need to clear my head.

I've a feeling of trepidation, and I'm trying to figure out what sparked it off.
I'll try looking on the bright side and saying "Flip it! Who cares?" We only live once.

Getting older.

2006-09-26T17:48:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I like being older, other times I don't like it.

I don't like it because I'm much more aware of the harsh realities of life than I was when younger.
This job will most likely last a year, I saw my Gran today, she's 92, she said to me today "I don't know whether or not I should say goodbye to you." The underlying meaning clear to me.

She probably wouldn't want all this written about, but it's half my life experience too. In any case, I leave that there.

Thank heavens for phones.

Life is full of change, at first it's nice and cosy when you're young, then you get older and that shine starts to wear off.

This is one half of my thoughts, the other, is a little more positive, but it only lies within the realm of hope and wish. Neither of which are substantial in reality. They hold no corporeal form, to which the more troublesome side does. I know it through experience.

So, my thoughts are troubled and my shoulders a little heavy.

If, IF, somehow, by chance, luck, or whatever, things are good. I'll be most surprised.

Life's what you make it, I've made mine the wandering travelling rambling bloke of miss thought and trepidation!

Great. Hopefully, on the other side of this plane journey, good people and good times wait.

We shall see.

Ciao.

Rainy day.

2006-09-25T17:29:00.000+01:00

Why the hell did I have to decide on becoming an English teacher? Why did I get the urge to run around the world?

Didn't I realize it'd be hit and miss as to what a place is like? Didn't I realize that you'll miss a load of things from home? Didn't I relalize it's quite lonely out there?

I get emails from mates about job round the world. I know why, they'd like some company. I understand that now. I'm, in pretty much the same boat.
If the other English teachers over in Lithuanina aren't much fun. I'll be up a creek without a paddle. It's the one thing that I don't like about this job.

From where I sit now, I cannot know anything about the place, country and people I'll soon be interacting with. I don't like flying blind either, even if it can be a little fun sometimes.

Sigh.

Whatever happens, I'll find out. Of that I am certain. It's my only certainty.

Poopy doopy. I am not looking forward to this move, I am not looking forward to the change again. Why am I doing it then? Because you've gotta give these things a go. It might turn out great. But I'm not enjoying this pre-new job bit. I hate waiting.

Bleh!!!!

As soon as I'm on the plane, I'll be a little bit happier.

Right, I'm off, probably a good idea to start learning the language again. Maybe the numbers...

I had a need to watch Italian tv.

2006-09-25T09:42:00.000+01:00

Thank god for youtube.

I understood about 50% of all that. I need to get Italian lessons. Next time I'm in the country.

Italian tv.

2006-09-25T09:36:00.000+01:00

i really miss trl.

Bed head.

2006-09-25T07:45:00.000+01:00

I'm in bed as I write this. It's 7:45, bright and early on a Monday morning.
I can hear the sounds of activity begining within the house and I can't help but think about leaving again.

A new part of the world for me to get used too. Hopefully, it'll be fun, hopefully they'll be a bit amazed by the foreigners. Hopefully the food and booze is both cheap and good.

Also, I've been thinking, yes, I do that from time to time. I don't want or rather, I would prefer not to find myself female company from the country, born bred and raised there. You have to get used to cultural differences. You'd also have to either like them or not care that much.
It isn't that easy to mix cultures, well maybe it is, but it's hard to share the same basic beliefs about life in general, which for me, as I've realised is necessary. I've tried the foreigner thing, in fact, that's all I've ever tried. I'd kill to meet a British person, heck a westerner will do. Australian, American, Canadian... Any of those really, because we're similar. Similar is good, I've had enough of big differences, some similarities would sit with me just nice.
So looking for a foreign lady isn't high on my agenda now. In fact, I don't want one. Take them away. Give me an English lady. With that I'd be content, no cultural things to get over, no language troubles. Please...

Sigh.

This Londoner has been on his jacks too long. (For the non London speak people, jacks is this. Jack Jones = alone, but the sentence takes the grammar for Jacks and not alone. Why it doesn't make sense if you just swap the words round)

Anyway. I hope to meet a nice western lady. Although the odds of that aren't great. I would think. Probably akin to finding a big black thing in outer space, whilst wearing shades. I'm not optimistic, in fact, I'm a bit jaded. Because it is realistically slim anyway.

Hey ho, got five ish days left, better spend them doing things I can whilst here.

Toodles.

What have I done today?

2006-09-24T20:33:00.000+01:00

The answer, not much. But that's how I like it.

Especially as it'll be work work work from next week on. Back to the grind.
I'm not looking forward to this new change in circumstances. I hope my flat mate doesn't end up being a nasty twit, it's a big world and it's sometimes full of nasties.

I hope the school's decent and the students also. Another bad place would get on my rear no end.

So, my most deepest wish that this next one, my third, is good. I'm not gonna go for great, that's probably greedy. Good will do. Good will be fine. As long as there are crazy friendly people. I'll manage.

5 days left before I'm off on Saturday. 5 days untill Lithuania... EEE!

Stuff to do.

2006-09-23T19:48:00.000+01:00

I'm getting myself ready for my change in living space again. I'll be moving two hours ahead in time. Which means I'm going to have to adjust getting up 2 hours early.

At least the sun will be up early too.

7 days and I'll be there, I'll have been there for 50 minutes by this time next week. I'll have one day for orientation before I start work the next day.

All I've been thinking about is the work side of my new job. I haven't been thinking about the possible fun side. It may be a place where there are many fun crazy English teachers, who will make the place worthwhile. I also hope the people, the indigenous people of the country can have a wee laugh and smile too.
If, however, the people there are dull dull dull and stick to themselves, the indigenous people are serious and dull, I'll be off.

I am not putting myself through the dullness of my last few months in Italy.

Just so you know, it's always a good idea to give yourself that freedom to say "I don't have to if I don't want to". Especially when you move far far away from home. Where you're on your own. It can be hard and lonely and what's the point of that?!? I ask you. Better to go somewhere where there are fun and games. If not, it isn't worth it. I didn't do this to be bored off my backside. I did this for fun and adventure, which is what this next job should be. I hope.

Anyway aside from these few things, I don't and haven't thought about anything else since I found out the job was mine. Packing is easy, I do that a lot. Must check the type of plug adapter I'll need as well.

It's nice to say I travel a lot nowadays though. Right, back to web browsing...

Finally.

2006-09-21T22:31:00.000+01:00

Absolute confirmation.

I am going on the 30th of the month. 8 Days or so. I booked my ticket and the next phase in my life begins.

I want a lot from this, I want many things from this. But, as usual, you've gotta do the leg work. Or move my feet, as I heard the other day.

Anyway, I'd better get ready for going away again... nerves... eee...

Iki kito karto. (Untill next time)

Strung along?

2006-09-20T09:47:00.000+01:00

Yep, I think I have been by that nasty person squillions of miles away.

She said it was mine, I got the job. She said, she'd look for flights.

I get back home, I hear nothing. I send an email, I hear nothing.

Nothing.

I'm annoyed, I'm very annoyed.

It could be nothing though, however, I think it's time to look for otherr jobs. Again.
I wish they'd just send an email though...

Bleh, I'm off to visit my nan.
Ciao.

Hmm...

2006-09-19T17:54:00.000+01:00

I've still not heard from this place yet. They confirmed the job was mine, but I am waiting to hear from them. I've sent an email but I have yet to get any response from that.

She said she would look for flights. Yet, nothing heard nor seen.

I'm in the dark, I can only hope something is going on.

Sigh... is this ever going to get easier?

piccys.

2006-09-19T17:47:00.000+01:00

Piccys

2006-09-19T17:40:00.000+01:00

Castle Urqhart

2006-09-19T17:37:00.000+01:00

Birthday boy.

2006-09-18T09:18:00.000+01:00

How's it going so far? These few waking moments in the day...

Had three txts from friends wishing happy birthday.
Got two birthday cards.
25 quid cash. Thanx nan.
Found out that my email to the job in Lithuania was blocked as spam for some reason. So I need to find out how to get around that so I can find out about the work... Eee, worried.
Hopefully will be going to see movie later with mate, although not heard back from him.
No real prezzies as yet, but the older I get, the less I want prezzies and the more I don't really care to be honest.
Erm... bout wraps it up.

Now, I really want to get my head around this job. (Hmm, mercury must be retrograde again...)

Zai jien.

D'oh!

2006-09-17T23:39:00.000+01:00

For some reason blogger didn't want me to get any pictures up here. The 'done' button on the photo upload window didn't appear, so I could do nothing...

Also, it never ceases to amaze me how little things change at home. The very same gripes and grumbles. That get dumped on me by some people whom cannot see beyond their noses!

Anyway, it's my b'day in about 30 minutes, I'm about to turn 29.

One left till the big three oh.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll have to email and check up on this job of mine...
Ciao.

I'm back!

2006-09-16T13:54:00.000+01:00

Tired and taking it easy. I'm not thinking about anything today, it's off the plate. No work or hassle at all. Which does include new job thinking, I'm waiting on a phone call from the lady. If I don't hear by monday though, I'll give her an email.

However, enough of that!

Rest. I'm tired. I've travelled from pretty much the top to the bottom of bonnie wee scotland in ten days. Although I've seen less than 1% of it I imagine really.
Although from that very small bit I've concluded it's one of the most beautiful places I've ever been too. And I do get around a bit nowadays.

Do you want to see some pictures? Yeah, okeedokee...

Cream crackered.

2006-09-11T16:07:00.000+01:00

I'm in a hostel in Edinburgh at the moment and I'm knackered.
So today I'm taking it really really easy.

So far I've been up to Inverness and camped alongside Loch Ness. Well worth it.
The tent I bought has kept me dry and out of the wind. But it still gets bleedin' cold by night time. I'd forgotten what it's like having to get out of bed in freezing temperatures. Not easy.
I would wake in the morning with cold feet, a cold bum and a pretty chilly nose. I learned fairly quickly that more clothes means more warmth. So I wear pretty much everything I've got to keep the cold off now. Although I don't need to do that in this nice warm hostel.

By the way, if you've never been to Edinburgh, I heartily recommend it. Gorgeous, simply breathtaking. I cannot believe I have never been up here before now. What an amazing place. Full of things to do and see. I cannot recommend it enough. Perfect for holidays or whatever. I've got a few pictures of here, but I'm trying to keep some for the rest of the trip.
We'll be off tomorrow though, should be going to a couple of places just outside of Ireland. Which means more camping and more things to write about. I'll have busy fingers after this "break".

Also, I'm waiting on my new employer to give me a call or email about flight info and stuff. She said she would be booking it all.
Life is a whirlwind for me at the moment. I'm trying my best to enjoy all this, but my head's all a whoosh with stuff. Being tired doesn't really help that much either.

Anyway, internet costs moneuy here and there are other things I want to do with my precious time.

So, ci vediamo.

It begins again.

2006-09-05T18:41:00.000+01:00

I have the job in Lithuania.

So now I begin the process of going through the same old feelings and emotions of before. Not as badly as before. Slightly less, I'm getting used to moving around the place.

ARGH!

I'm off to Scotland for 10 days then about a week or so after that I'll be off to Lithuania.

Man oh man, you're never quite ready for that heave ho. Never quite.

All I can do looking down this end of the barrel, is to do what I need to do, and hope for the best. Because you really have no idea what you're gonna get.

We're a mad bunch us English teachers. I think I get a little madder every day.

I'll be buying a book on learning Lithuanian. Learning another language again!
It'll all add to the mish mash of other languages in my head.

Well, I'm away 10 days, so I should be back on the 15th. Then I'll know more and let you know. I really really really really hope this one has something special there.

I need it.

Right, see you in 10 days, ciao.

MORE NEWS!

2006-09-04T18:36:00.000+01:00

Yes, the horoscope was right. Read a couple of days ago...

I applied for a job for Lithuania, above Poland I think. I've had a phone interview with the lady working there. I think it went OK. Not brilliantly, but not terribly.
She said she had a couple of more interviews to do but to be honest, I'm not sure that she really did.

So, I might be going away again soon. They want people to start as soon as they can. So I might try and get there for the end of the month.

I've hardly sat my backside still for a while. It's nice in some ways. I just wish I had a few days to compose myself before I undertake this new endeavour. Although I'm getting ahead of myself.

IT IS YET TO BE CONFIRMED.

I'll be called back sometime before the end of the week. I wont be able to tell you though unless I can access the Internet whilst in Scotland.

But dinner is served and I need to eat now, so ciao ciao ciao...

NEWS!!!

2006-09-03T22:57:00.000+01:00

I just received a phone call from the Canadian lady who is staying up North with the vegan. They're going to Scotland on Tuesday evening. Which means, I'll be going there too. They phoned and asked if I was interested. "YES!", I said.

So, we'll be gone for ten days. I don't know quite what the schedule is. But my camera will be with me, with lots of spare batteries.

I can take about 200+ photos. So that by my reckoning is 20 a day for ten days, yes?

Perfect. I wont be able to look for work while I'm gone, but not to worry. I can sort that one out no bother.

So, I go to Scotland sometime Tuesday evening. Never been before and am looking forward to it. YAY!

My horoscope.

2006-09-03T20:01:00.000+01:00

Your week ahead: This looks like being one of those weeks. In fact, though, it won't be. It will, instead, be one of THOSE weeks. The sort that start off looking ropey but then start looking very good indeed. Although actually, even that fails to sum up the next few days for you. For, although you will make some real and exciting breakthroughs - these will lead straight to new sources of pressure. Which may briefly lead you to conclude that it is one of those weeks after all! Gradually, though, the Full Moon in your opposite sign will demonstrate that the gains you are now making are permanent whereas the trouble you currently face is only temporary.

Thank you Jonathan Cainer.

I really hope that's true. Whilst my material life of late has been very very easy, my inner life as often is, hasn't been. Although I've made many breakthroughs with myself recently. Struggles help us to better ourselves.

It's all part of the process and necessary, which is all good.

So a part of me doesn't mind my grumbles here so much now, it really doesn't matter, it helps to lead somewhere better. I wouldn't have sorted these things out if I hadn't had the troubles. Wandering in those darker places within ourselves, it's quite hard, but good for us.

I really hope I find a job soon, I'm feeling so much better for finding and starting work abroad again, wherever that is...

I feel recharged, I feel better within, the cobwebs have been cleaned out of the cupboard. I've done my spring cleaning. It's definitely time to move on once more and to new discoveries.

Let me leave you witha video, a song I really like, one that makes me feel good inside.

Have a listen, it's by Nizlopi. I want to go buy their cd.

Ciao a tutti, zai jien and toodily pip.

Severence.

2006-09-01T17:50:00.000+01:00

I've seen the movie, what do I reckon?

Is it supposed to be a horror/comedy romp? If it is, it's mostly a horror romp. There were about 3 funny bits in it. I also don't know why it is being compared to Shaun of the dead which is far far far better than this.

The comedy bits don't sit right during this film, whereas they were perfect in Shaun of the dead. Although it is fairly scary at some parts and isn't too bad for that reason.

Don't go for chuckles, go for scares. Otherwise you'll be a wee bit disappointed.

Like I was. Not funny enough.

Perspective.

2006-09-01T10:57:00.000+01:00

I've got so many more years left on this planet, but I often find I get so caught up in this moment. The one right now, I forget the bigger picture.

I want to change, I want to achieve so much, I want to be doing a million things with my time. But, as I look back I see I've changed a lot. Many things are different for me now. I've lived abroad for the last couple of years, there was a time where I thought I'd never do it. Now I remember that I have.

Change happens. But you need to give it time and not to push things too hard. Do the work and things will change.

So I'm gearing back my raging mind, keeping it in check.

So, slowly slowly easy does it.

Trial and error.

2006-09-01T09:05:00.000+01:00

This is a much more streamlined version of blogger. Works pretty darn well too.

Although, there is the occasional woopsy. I'm trying to reorganize the sidebar elements, but one of them, that I've just added isn't wanting to be moved. You can in the editor, click and drag the various sidebar parts around and then save it. My 'labels' part is being a stick in the mud. I can't save it elsewhere.

This though, isn't that bad. It's finally nice to have that simplified rather than tweaking the html.

I like the fact they've added "labels for this post" at the bottom. I only wish they'd done it sooner. As I would now like to add labels to previous posts, but I have to do each and everyone individually. I have 3000 posts more or less. So I've a lot of work on my hands.
I wish they'd add a function where you could select a load of posts at once and add labels to them all, rather than one by one.

All in good time though, all these blogging things are still in there infancy.

Before I go to bed.

2006-08-31T23:43:00.000+01:00

As I've just updated my blog template, I'll be re-adding links to my fave blogs again. If you can't see yours, worry not. It'll be back...

I'm also going to have a play with this tomorrow. Looking forward to it.
Not had a new toy to play with for a while...

Upgraded.

2006-08-31T23:10:00.000+01:00

I've had an invite to try out the new blogger.

After I did, it told me that I hadn't done something with some of my comments. I clicked the link and it took me to the comment moderation page, which to my knowledge, I'd never used.

I switched it on and it showed me a dozen or more comments that I knew nothing about, from months and months ago. I'm slightly annoyed, something somewhere went wrong.

Oh well, perhaps it was fate?

In any case, hopefully now, it's all better. Although past damages might have been done... Funny old world.

I'm still looking for work out there and I've still heard nothing back from anyone. Good news is, I'm ok to receive job seekers allowance. I thought my two year stint abroad would sting me in the arse, but I think as I've been working in Italy, Im ok.
Being Europe and what not. So money wise, all is well.

Another gripe I'm gonna get off my chest is this.

I cannot stand people who keep saying one thing to me and then completely not doing what they said they would. I'm also tired of hearing from peolple who say they'd love to meet up and then giving me the cold shoulder. I hate it.

But that's probably just human nature at work. Whatever the reason, it stinks.
I'm fed up with these people and I'm reaching the stage I don't want to have anything more to do with them. Once, twice, thrice bitten, forever shy and ultimatly cheesed off.

Che sucede, sucede.

Ci vediamo regazzi.

Hmm...

2006-08-27T22:24:00.000+01:00

I'm definitely in a place in my mind now, a place that is coming to the end of one part of me. Which means I'm coming to the start of another part of me. I think.

As life isn't a dress rehersel, you find out as you go. I'm doing plenty of that at the moment.

One thing I've realised is that you don't understand what you've done untill you've done it.
I made a big decision two years ago. It came from one place, a one sided place. I looked out over an area and said "I want to explore all that.". It was very much said without any knowledge of where it would lead though. Now looking back, I have a better appreciation and understanding. I'm still figuring things out. But that's going better than it was.

This, I would say, is the begining of my adventure. The last couple of places weren't, they were more the warm up. This is going to be the proper one.

However, here at home or far flung again. I don't really know. As I'm still finding out things, I'm still gonna be finding out.

So, where to work? Hmm, depends, just like before, where the job is. Doesn't it?

What on Earth did I want to explore the world for?

Oh, yeah... adventure.

Is it working now...

2006-08-27T22:18:00.000+01:00

A test...

ow...

2006-08-27T11:27:00.000+01:00

I was sitting funny last night, when I got up my back was hurting quite a bit,

So I'll be taking it easy today and probably tomorrow.

I had a fairly vivid dream as well last night. Two parts I remember.
The first one was that I was climbind down a cliff, one way had more foot and hand holds, the other was fairly difficult. I chose the hard one, got stuch half way down and had to wake myself up to escape the dream.
Then another I'm walking with a lady through a place, with beautiful mountains in the distance. I have a camera and I'm taking pictures of it. Bur I keep pressing zoom and not zoom out.

Although I wish I could get those pictures from my head to here, they were great.

Hmm...

2006-08-26T21:29:00.000+01:00

Recently, I've been feeling better about myself. So much so in fact, that my desire for getting out and about again is returning. That sense of wanting to see a bit more of the world.

I'm feeling much better than I have been recently.

I'm begining to wonder about moving abroad again. Not anywhere I have been, but somewhere I haven't been yet.
I'll have to give myself at least a month to think things over.

I need time. Lots of time. A good month while I see how I feel.

However, the possibility remains I'll get work in England. One reason I'd like to work here is I'd make a really decent wage. Which would be very helpful for me, as I get poorer every time I convert my earnt wages into sterling.

Anyway, that'll do for now. I'm still on my holiday and I'm relaxing. I have enough time to go abroad and work, or work here.

I'm taking it very easy for the moment.

Thursday.

2006-08-24T10:57:00.000+01:00

Cheers carlo.98.

I dunno what they'll be considered but I cannot wait to find out on Friday.
I like to believe that all things are connected. So, these new, well whatever they'll be, will end up playing a new influence in astrology. Of which, I'm a huge fan.

I've been going right through the guts of myself recently. All those little dank corners in there. All those doors I've not opened before, I actually found a few. Things I had no idea were having an impact on me.

For months now, before I fall asleep and I'm lying in bed. An image has been popping into my mind. A sqaure room, with a raised platform in the middle. Like a box on a desk with thin side supports. It's red coloured and I see myself crawl up into it. This has been going over in my mind for ages and ages. I was mentally unaware of it.

I think it was something a dream that I had months ago, that I later recalled and got stuck up in. I never noticed I was going round and round it in my mind. Weird.
It hit me last night, and I thought "Why the hell am I doing that?"

I didn't really have an answer. Strange.

I've really been churning myself out and it's much needed. I really don't think I'll be able to move on succesfully without this process. Even if it's made things here at plark a bit mooshed. I'm having to go through it and it's good for me.

Anyway, I'm meeting a mate in an hour or so, so I need to get ready.

Ciao.

Tuesday morning in bed.

2006-08-22T08:57:00.000+01:00

I can feel a cup of tea coming on in a minute. I'm also looking forward to finding out the outcome of the recent planet disscusion. Will Pluto be named a planet or not? And what about the others?

I'm looking forward to the outcome.

Speaking of planets time for me horoscope from Jonathan Cainer.

"This year, there will be two New Moons in Virgo. The first, right at the very beginning of your sign, takes place this week. The second, at the end of Virgo, occurs next month. A New Moon means a new beginning so, er... why do you need two fresh starts in such a short space of time? The answer may already be obvious. Perhaps you need to try something and have the option to try something else if your first plan really doesn't work... or you may be about to make an amazing discovery."

Cooool... wait and see shall we.

Worry.

2006-08-21T23:03:00.000+01:00

I've really been anxious these past few days.

I need to give myself some mental distraction. As usually happens when I don't do much, my brain goes round and round in circles.

Not the most positive of ones.

it's not getting the better of me, but I feel its weight. So hopefully, next week, I'll be up North visiting a mate for a week. I've sent ab email, but I don't know how quickly he'll respond. Spose it doesn't matter that much how quickly anyway.

It's late, so I'm goona watch some south park, then sleep.

Hopefully I'll be a little more relaxed tomorrow.

Ciao.

Thinky thinky...

2006-08-20T22:03:00.000+01:00

My computer, or at least the internet today is slow. Very slow...
You know, it's been hard to write recently, I feel my writing vein is all bunged up.

Hmm, people often tell me that I have the job to nail all jobs.

"You get to travel, learn about new cultures, learn languages. Sample a completely different life. It must be amazing."

It is.

Some also tell me that they themselves couldn't and wouldn't fling themsleves off into the great unknown.

"I couldn't do that. It's too scary."

Yep, that's right.

I still find it very hard actually. In at least to the capacity where I have to keep changing ship. I suppose it'd be easier if I didn't doubt myself so much. But I think I'm my own worst enemy at times.
I'm waiting for this phone call from a possible employer. I've done a little bit of research into the school, checked out its website and such. Pretty impressive. So much so, that I wonder if I'd be any good. My nagging doubt kicks in again.

I really am a big worrier.

If I were to get rid of that, and pretend for a moment that I do. I'd be the most happy and bouyent person I know. I suppose true for all, but I'm only me, so that's all I'll talk about now.
I'd seize the day and grab everything I could. I wouldn't worry about any possible weaknesses or doubts I'd have.

I'd hammer it all I would. I'd probably fair better than I would paying attention to all those imperfections.

It's easy to write and just as easy to say. To do though, as ever, is harder.

Anyway, I'll post my weeks horoscope from Jonathan Cainer.

"Your week ahead: The Marquis De Sade was a perceptive chap. He worked out that the world contains many people who like to make life painful for one another - but that many others seem to enjoy being put through dreadful experiences. Actually, we all have a sadistic streak buried in our nature somewhere just as we all can be masochists at times. And presumably, you get your kicks out of making arrangements that leave you feeling put upon, taken advantage of and slightly humiliated. You don't? Then, er... why are you so keen on your current plan? Unless you're enjoying a silly situation, stop feeling obliged to accept it and CHANGE it!"

Indeed.

Every coin has a flipside, so does every person. One part great the other part poopy. I'll try and go with the great...

Living life.

2006-08-20T14:26:00.001+01:00

I'm trying to find a good berth to set off from for this post. Although I'm having trouble to achieve this.

There have been many many things I've wanted to say recently. But I've not found it in myself to do so.
There are only so many choices I can make at this point in my life. I really find myself just circling a bowl. Round and round.
Each turn is a bit different from the last, but I still end up where I was.

I do need a change, I need something to strive for. I've been left floundering for ages. Or I've left myself floundering, whatever the reason. Me, myself or the external circumstances of my life. Perhaps there's no difference between these. They are one in the same.
I need to have people in my life, I like belonging to a community. It's something I want a lot of recently. Something which I've not had much of ever since Italy. For whatever reason, things didn't meld there.

I hope the next thing will work better.

I really want to work in the uk, that's so I can be nearer the other people in my life. That much is obvious to me. Although in some respects I'm still far from many. My choice to move away and travel cleved the rift I feel now. It's something I'm still aware of. I almost feel that having chosen to move on and do other things, that I'm missing out on something else. That's probably not true in any respect and my life moves on much like anyone elses. But it still eats me up.

I need something to work for.

Even as I write this my mind creates other possibilities for me. I probably need a short time to think. I also wonder if simply indulging in others for a while, getting some much needed company would put me straight. Keep my mind happy.

I sit right where I am now thanks to the choices I've made.
I have gained a lot though, for what I've been through in the last year. I'm a little wiser than I was. I think I know myself a little better, although that road may be a little longer for me. I really want to get to know me, because I don't believe I do.

Anyway, I've waisted, or rather killed most of the day in front of the t.v. I want to go out and get some exercise.

I need a lot of things.

Saturday, little rain, lot of sun.

2006-08-19T19:59:00.000+01:00

I should have had a little bit of theatre today. But it was not to be...

I turned up, there was nobody there at all. Oh.. So I made the most of the day and went for a ball and chalk and bought myself a few dvds from hmvs.

I got Doom, Serenity and Flash Gordon, which I've not seen for a very long time. Looking forward to it. Again.

"Squadren 14... DIVE!"

Serenity is great, fantastic stand alone film. Well worth watching if you love sci-fi. Doom, is pretty good, very enjoyable and a handsome transition from game to film.

My mates just txt'd me, there will be impro tomorrow. I'm trying to confirm the time with him now.

Anyway, back to my moviethon...

Friday.

2006-08-18T09:37:00.000+01:00

I've taken care of breakfast this morning. I've hung some of my shirts to dry from being washed. I've organised my stuff for the job centre to which I'll be off in about an hour or so. I've also applied for a few other jobs in the uk.

I love business being done first thing in the morning. I hate having to wait around all day. Otherwise my mind just dwells on it and it drags the day out.

After that, I'm pretty much free till the evening then I'm going to meet my mate for a drink.

Excellent. All in all not a bad day.

So I'm only waiting on this phone call from a possible employer. I feel that they may call Saturday morning. But that's only a feeling, it could be any time...

Till later.

I had it in my mind.

2006-08-17T15:33:00.000+01:00

Thursday Thursday Thursday...

But nope, it was in fact Friday. So tomorrow, I'll be at the job centre.

On the work front, I'll be getting a phone call from a potential employer soon enough. For work down south in Cornwall no less.

So fingers crossed.

I'm feeling better today actually, my anxiety is pretty much gone from yesterday. I think I dreampt myself better.

So, till later... I'm watching the Simpsons now.

Keeping that positive attitude.

2006-08-16T22:02:00.000+01:00

Hard to do when all surrounding you isn't that great.

You get so used to things being one way, so used to the same old same old, that it's hard to focus on anything else for a while. Or focus on anything better than you've known.

I've been a big jittery dune bug recently. I've been having a lot of anxiety. Nothing I can't handle, I used to get it really bad years ago. But I think I need a re-focus on things.

About swapping the blog for another, I'm still thinking about it. The reason I've wanted to do it I think, is mostly because the time I started writing. It was the begining of my thoughts into working abroad for the first time, it was the big choice I made. It ties in with the old blog. That such things have come about as they have. Or that I feel like doof as a result of my prior choice.

My blog was with me the whole way down the road. All the good, all the bad. A change here would be a change for me there, so to speak.

Like when you want to throw off an old shell, reach for something new. I feel I need to do that. If I do, I WILL leave a link to my new place... I don't like to close one door, without leaving means to get elsewhere. Or whatever...

Apparently blogger should be updating at some point, some people are getting early invites to try it out. It'll be nice to have new toys to play with.

I'm looking forward to it.

Well, tomorrow, I'm off to the job centre. Then, Friday I'm meeting a friend for drinks, Saturday I should be doing some theatricals. Keeping busy and I'll be applying for more jobs.

Anyway,

On to better things...

?

Back...

2006-08-16T15:45:00.000+01:00

I had a great time in Swansea. Camping is great. It's fantastic to fall asleep with the wind blowing on the tent.

Although I did spend the first night in my mates car. Which is flippin hard to fall asleep in. He was also sick out the door that night after having a little too much to drink. Which he managed to forget about and stand in the next morning.

Lovely it was.

Anyway, it was really nice to see some of my old friends from China again. Really nice.
It's also nice to see more of the country I call home. Wales is gorgeous, now I've been to Caerphilly, Barry, Cardiff and Swansea. I'd like to see more of it sometime. As I have friends there, it should be easy enough at some point in the future. But that can wait.

I want to go up North to see my vegan friend. I have been invited up there for a brief camping excursion again. One which I intend to have.
The vegan wants to see some more things up there and I'd be happy to accompany the old boy.

Anyway, camping asside, on to the matter of more work. I've been busy applying for jobs in the uk. I've got two years experience abroad, so I should be in good stead to get work at home. I'd be happy work anywhere in the uk. Really happy. If I don't get anything close to home, I may have to look further away and move abroad again. Which I could manage, but I'd prefer home for now. I've been having a rough time of it recently. I really want a little of 'la dolce vita'. I've had a lot of the terribly lacking of the dolce vita. Almost the reverse of that.

This year has been dificult for me in many ways. I'd really like something better. I think I deserve it personally. Too much crap on my plate, I've been keeping it all level but this year has been far from great.

I'm working on a turn around though. So, let's see if I can make the latter of '06 better than the prior.

Off to Wales today.

2006-08-11T08:13:00.000+01:00

It was finally confirmed. So I'm off to Wales with a few I was with in China. We're going to be camping this weekend.

Hopefully I'll get to talk to the vegan gentlemen from up north. He's the one whom I would like to go travelling with, I think he's still up for it, I hope he's still up for it. But I will be seeing him today at any rate, as well as a few others.

So I should be able to converse about it, as it's been a while.

Anyway, I'm off to get ready I leave here in about 4 hours.

Ciao ciao ciao.

I'll try and get some pictures too. Haven't done that for a while...

Last thing for tonight.

2006-08-08T21:31:00.000+01:00

Just before I pop off this evening. My horoscope...

It accurately sums up my situation, from Jonathan Cainer.

There's nothing to fear. There's everything to play for. There's hope on the horizon. There's magic in the air. There's the chance of change where there once was the certainty of stagnation. Recognise all this. Trust it. Draw a deep breath. As you slowly breathe it out, send out your worry with it. Expel it from your mind and from your body. Let it go. Be glad of the Full Moon. It represents your ability to make positive choices: to reach for the best and to actually be in with a fair chance of getting it.

That is spot on.

It's nice to hear, I only hope that it represents something that will come about and not a gust of nothing.

A hairs breadth.

2006-08-08T21:13:00.000+01:00

Is about as close as I am to calling it a day with this particular blog.
It's been rattling in my mind for ages.

For those of you who care, it does not mean I am going to stop blogging.
I do enjoy this new thing.

But I need a change, I need to move house. I need a new home. I think the reasons for this are both because my life is pants, so it's a psychological thing to want to do and this is an old blog. I want to start afresh. Virtually all of it is saved elsewhere, so I wont lose it should this particular place go up in smoke.

I'll be pondering this for a wee while. Though, I might even try another blog hosting thingy...

I dunno, my life is fairly doof at the moment. A big sack of doof. Not the worst of lives do I have, but I'm not happy.

Perhaps a new blog will create a subtle shift for me. Who can say?

But I might be ending up here soon. If you're interested in reading on, do drop me a line...

To post or not to post?

Sigh.

2006-08-08T17:09:00.000+01:00

How am I feeling?
Not the best.

What are my outlooks like at the moment?
Erm, could be good, might be bad.

Although I'm not in a healthy frame of mind at the moment. I'm feeling a bit negative. I wish things could be a bit bolder and clear for me. I do often find that what I depend on these days is flimsy and changable. It really depends on something else, a matter or person beyond my control.

I'm also spending a lot of time thinking over things that I've missed out on, for one reason or another. A part of this experience almost promisses great things. But I don't see them.
I've been up and down on my own wee emotional rollercoaster for a while now. It started in busto and I've been steadily going down since. I'm finding it hard to pick up the motivation to do things. That is in part because what I want to do is dependent on another person. If I new, had one little bit of certainty, I could pick my feet up and get going. I'd have reason to do stuff. I could achieve lots. But as I stand right now, I don't like it.

However, there should be a camping trip soon. where me and the other English teachers who worked in China, should be going on. Which means I should be seeing the gentleman who agreed on our joint venture. I can only hope he's still interested. If not, I'll be off on my own once again.

I hate this life I've carved out for myself at this moment.

Far flung, I've distanced myself from everyone and backed myself into a corner.

Basta, I'm really not in the mood for writing now.

I'm back.

2006-08-07T09:56:00.000+01:00

There are possibilites out there. But first, I need to address the realities.

As it says in me horoscope from Jonathan Cainer.

If you want to get from A to B, you first have to get to point A! You can't embark on a journey unless you know where you are setting off from. Be clear, this week, about your motives and priorities. Be honest with yourself, not just about what you want - but about where you are, right now. How much help do you need? How far from ideal is a certain situation? What is really needed? Establish all this, not so you can be pessimistic - but, so that your next plan has a realistic chance of success.

Yep, as realistic as a horoscope I could get.

Although my mate, whom I spoke to about four months ago, who said he wanted to go travelling about the place, is here in the uk. So is one of the Canadian ladies I knew in China.

All going well, we should be out camping in Wales this weekend. I don't know if I should say this, but will, if I work hard, get a little of what I want for at least, the latter part of this year.

I've been feeling down recently, hence the lack of posts. I've been sorting out stuff in my head.

So, I'm hoping, with the porper work, I can get what I want.

Travel and adventure, with a mate. Cross your fingers for me please...
I want and need this to happen bad. Thank u.

Time off.

2006-08-02T08:56:00.000+01:00

Horoscope time from Jonathan Cainer.

"Stand straight. Lift one leg up. Now, in double quick time, march! OK. Swing your hands as you go, in time with your feet. Never mind the burden on your back; you'll be able to put it down in a while. Meanwhile, focus on the marching song. It goes like this, 'Don't know why and don't know how... but that was then and this is now.' Shout it out. Drum it into your brain. Think of nothing else. Particularly DO NOT think of the past. At all. Even a bit. This IS now. It IS different."

Lovely, these are the things I like to hear.
All's well at the moment, I'm elsewhere relaxing right now. I'm not thinking about thew future or anything yet. I'm just saving myself for a short while. Before I decide where I want to go and how I want to get there.

Anyway, that'll do for now.

Relaxing, relaxing and more of the same e basta.

ciao.

Horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

2006-07-27T08:41:00.000+01:00

"Recent events have stretched you. To cope, you have had to develop new inner resources - more patience, more wisdom, more restraint, more strength and more adaptability. And now? Well, effectively, a battle has been won. A milestone has been passed. That which once seemed impossible now just seems a bit tricky. But you cannot return to normal. For you have been mentally and emotionally stretched. You just don't fit the old normal any more. So you will somehow have to create a new one."

Spot on. Perfectly accurate.

Well, as I usually like to say, give it a little time and see what comes up and what develops.
I feel much better. The last few months of my life culminated for me yesterday. I cleard a massive clog in the system.

Yeah, I'm going to need to create a new one. Hopefully, and I'm sure it will, be much better than the last one. Or at least suits my new life circumstances better.
I'm freer than I was before.

Anyway, basta. I'll be away for a week on Monday and I'll be back around the 6th of August, in the evening. I'm underway yet again.

Right, I'm off to see a movie today. Superman, I've heard that a lot of people don't like this. But that's what was said about the Hulk and I loved that.

So, till later. Ci vediamo.

I did it!

2006-07-26T11:17:00.000+01:00

HAHAHAHA!!!

That's sooooooo much better.

Who am I?

2006-07-26T09:49:00.000+01:00

I thought you'd be the first to leave a comment Pipe. Cheers.

You live with yourself all the time. Everyday.
I go to bed with me, I wake with me. All my strengths, all my weaknesses. All those grimy bits of me, all those lovely shiny bits too.

I have a very critical mind. I often see things that others have missed. I can point out something to someone, something they've been having trouble with and cure a problem or put there mind to rest.
I'm also very good at spotting flaw. Very very good. Too good sometimes.

The trouble with our strengths and weeaknesses is this. We use them to see the things without and the ones within ourselves. Naturally.

You cannot know yourself. Is something that hit home to me yesterday.

It's in one of the Flamming lips songs and it was said in the movie Crash.

I only know how I act and behave through situations that I've been in. Ones that I haven't I can't say.
I often suppose that I shoot myself down long before I even give something a try.
I also carry in my head the opinons from others. Their thoughts and critic on my life. I realise this now. Quite a few of them, whilst possibly in some form acurate and justifiable, are quite undermining. They echo in my mind long after they've been said, some even resurface after years. Do I know why this happens? No. But I'm me, how could I not know? I don't have the answer to that either.

So it is true. I don't know me at all. In fact, my whole life will be spent finding out about this person I see in the mirror.

Anyway, back to others critic of me. F**k off. I don't want it, I don't need it. I'm enough of a burden on myself day in day out. Nothing that has been said to me recently. These are words long and old.

Things stay in my head for ages. I don't know why that is. If I imagine things, often there's a negative outcome. I have no idea why this is either.
I'd be balled if I knew half the reason most of this happens.

Do I even know the real reason I started writing this blog?
Why I keep returning to it? Yeah, I dunno. I'm actually in the trap of doing it again. I'm imagining that some who read this is having a critical opinion of what I'm writing now. That they're getting fed up with these little "why do I?" questions.

Yet, these are only my thoughts. I have no idea what you say or think. In fact, I don't care and I shouldn't care. I care so much about what people say. Even the idiots, even the people who would destroy me and whittle me down to nothing. I can't help it. I find it difficult to turn, whatever it is, off.

Why is there this negative voice in my head? Why? It's so loud and glaring. Why isn't there one that picks me up from time to time? Why on Earth does it work this way so?

I've not written or felt like writting recently because of my critical mind. The one that pulls on all the worries and fears from something that may or may not be lurking in the dark.

I've been sat on my arse for the last three months and done nothing. I mean NOTHING.
I have not done one bloody thing with myself. I barely survived out in Busto. I was fading away fast, in fact, it's still with me in part.

I'm really struggling to keep my head above the water. Not because the waters too difficult, or that it's choppy and rough. It's quite calm. But I hack myself to pieces. I really do. To the point that because I question it all, I just stop. Give in, before I've even tried.

I often seem to others quite happy, jovial, content. But inside, I f*** myself over and over. Why on Earth???

Bad things happen in life. You cannot know when they do. But I do myself no justice in giving it a helping hand. I want that negative part of me to die off. I want it out of my head, for good. I've lived 28 years with that garbage in my mind. That wasteful negative tripe. I want to be spent of it.

My life has been complete balls for the last few months and I look back and I wonder what on Earth it is that I've done. I hold open empty hands. I want that to change. I want to do something. I want to be active, I want fun. I also do not want to try and content myself with something that's sort of ok. I WANT GOOD. I WANT BETTER.

What I have now is sh*t. Complete rubbish.
Partly due to me and my negative mind, which is still clocking over. I can hear it in there. I can feel it sitting round my shoulders. Shut up and get out and get off. I do not want it and I do not need it. I can see it conjuring some nasty, grimy, restricted future. F' off. No really. You, that little nasty negative voice. Get lost. you are not wanted and are not needed.

I am going to post this. Because this is me. Flip off negative voices. As long as no harm comes by it, then what matter.

I'm going to work hard at purging that part of me. A critical though now and then might be needed. But I'm a decent bloke at heart. The last thing I need is this horrendous voice.

It will change, for good. I've made my mind up.

I'm back here again.

2006-07-25T23:03:00.000+01:00

Not that I'm sure anyone missed me while I was gone. Oh well who cares, this is only for me.

Well, what have I been doing. Getting back into the swing of my old London life. I've been to the pub once, seen a movie and participated in some acting stuff. I've also enjoyed some Subway subs.

Asside from that, I've been feeling rather down and blue. Pessimistic even. Rather in a black hole of sorts. Hey ho...

That's my winge.

Now horoscope... from Jonathan Cainer.

Things should start to look a little brighter today. It is even possible that soon, you will be needing sunglasses, just to reduce the glare from all those shiny, optimistic, idealistic thoughts and ideas. Your natural sense of cynicism - normally a constant friend and travelling companion - appears to be in danger of deserting you! Without it, you may feel a little lost at first. Gradually, though, you will start to see that some of the things that it tends to dismiss as no good are actually rather wonderful.

I've gotta be honest, I'm still sitting with my cynicism and it's still got a big say in things. We'll see.

I've not been a happy bunny.

Dunno when I'll be back here again. Don't much care at the moment to be honest... maybe I'll pack in my internet malarky.
Ciao.

I missed it!

2006-07-17T18:30:00.000+01:00

I'm annoyed. Really annoyed. Partly my own fault, but not too much.

There was a school reunion on Sunday, I didn't know anything about it. The only thing I heard was that my brother and his mate went up there. My sister-in-law told me. But I didn't realise it was for all the years. I assumed it was for only his year.

I feel rotten!!!

How'd I'd have liked to have gone. I would have loved it. Just back from Italy as well.

Bum, fiddle and doof!!!

Stronzo!!!

I hate travelling sometimes, you miss out on so much. I missed out on seeing old friends. Can't believe it. When's that going to happen again.

Nuts.

Although, I might try an internet search on something like friends re-united or something like that... Look on the bright side and so on.

Although so far, I'm coping ok with being back. But not at one hundred percent.

Time, but knowing the above hasn't helped. If I'd have been told (reliably and accurately informed), I would have been happier.

Ah well, che sucede sucede.

Was it all just a dream...

2006-07-16T08:00:00.000+01:00

It's weird being back. It's like none of it really happened. Although I did wake this morning and think I was still in my room at Busto Arsizio. It took me a few seconds to come round.

It's such a weird thing. One day you're doing something completely different, then all of a sudden, just like, poof! All gone, over, finished. You might as well have imagined it.

I'm pleased I did though, I'm also sure that things couldn't have happened any other way.

So, back to deciding what to do with my body... But I think a week off is permissable. To not feel guilty about doing nothing. After all, I've just finished work and am due for a holiday. Basta.

I'll write more later on...

Right.

2006-07-15T10:06:00.000+01:00

Finished with internet... better go home and double check I have all my important things in my bag.

Also need to eat. Really flippin Hungry right now.

Ciao a tutti. I'll write when I'm back home.

Last day.

2006-07-15T09:19:00.000+01:00

Phew!

I made it, I survived. Although, I don't want to have to survive in the future. I want to thrive! I want to live and achieve things. It'll mean biting a few snakes on the head, but I'm more than prepared now.

Living away from home has changed me a bit. I'm not quite as I was when I left London in 2004. Travelling and living away changes you.
In many good ways.

I really want more out of life and their are certain things I'm quite good at. Which I never really gave myself the chance in doing. Which I think I deserve. It's not going to be easy, but I think I can pull this one off.

we are all good at what we do. I'm good at what I do. I haven't actually been doing that much of it. So I think it's time to redress the balance.

I'll dive in head first I think. Just do it, as they say.

Anyway. I'm all packed!!! I actually got everything in there. EVERYTHING!!!
I'm going to have a last couple of kebabs before I leave here today, I'm going to have some Italian icecream and coffee and that'll be that.

I'm all done here. Finished. Basta cosi.

I'm ready for the next phase in my life. I'll do my best to make sure it's amazing.

ARGH!

2006-07-14T19:48:00.000+01:00

I have sooooo much stuff!!!

How the hell am I going to get it all home!